The doctors have discovered that he has a pretty serious heart defect. I have spent many hours crying about it and many more hours thinking about the future. The other day I called my Aunt Kristy who has a daughter who has gone through more surgical procedures than any child should endure. I knew she had gone through open heart surgery too and I wanted to get her advise. She told me the story "Welcome To Holland" by Emily Pearl Kingsley. It really struck a chord with me so I looked it up on the internet and put it here if you would like to read it.
She writes:
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.It's like this . . .
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo's David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?" you say. "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place.It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." The pain of that will never go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland.
Although our baby has a heart defect rather than the disabilities she wrote this story for, it is still not what I expected when I bought my tickets. We aren't going to get a healthy little baby to bring home like when we brought home Allie and Jake. But we get a really cute little boy that will need our love and attention just as much. He's not Italy, but Holland is amazing too.
I don't know what the future holds (besides lots of visits to the doctor and lots of sadness), but I do know that this is all part of Heavenly Father's plan. I know that He is mindful of our family. I know that this calm feeling of peace and warmth that has been placed over our home comes from Him. Most importantly, I know that no matter what happens with our little guy, I know that because our Savior died for us we can be reunited with our loved ones and live again.
I had a pretty serious mind battle over whether or not to even write about all this in the blog. I can't really put a reason to it, but I think it just feels too personal to put out there. I know that most of the people that read this are just my family and they know all this is going on anyway. But I know I would want to know more about what was going on if one of you were going through something like this, so I decided to write about it. I'll keep updates of things we find out on here, then if I don't call you personally you will still know what is going on.
Before I end this sad post, I'll write about the silver lining (when bad things happen I have to look for the good things that come about from it, otherwise what's the point.)
I have gotten two little peeks into this baby's world and he is so cute. He's a wiggly little guy and he never wanted to cooperate with the ultrasound techs. He lounged on his belly and kicked his cute little legs but never wanted to sprawl out so they could get a good look at his heart. Next week I get to see him again, and again in a month. I think that's a pretty great thing.
People keep asking what they can do...really no one can do anything except pray and have faith. I want this little baby to be a fighter and I will fight for him too. We keep praying for the continuing comfort and I know it will stay. I've been so grateful for all the love and support we have gotten. You are all amazing...thanks!
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