Some more info on the days we had with Sam...

Today I got a phone call...
"Hi, this is --- from Logan Regional Hospital in the hearing department. I was just calling to tell you that Sam is one of the babies on our list that seems to have failed a hearing test. I was hoping that you would schedule an appointment to bring him in and get that checked."
I felt bad for the poor woman when I told her that Sam was probably on that list because he never had a hearing test...BECAUSE HE DIED.
This lady was not the first person to call and ask about Sam, and she probably won't be the last.
I am being honest when I say that I wasn't at all offended that she called, or that she didn't get the memo about Sam. I seriously felt bad because I knew that the woman hung up the phone and felt terrible. I know I would have felt terrible if I were in her shoes. So the point of this post is not to say that it upset me. The point of this post is to talk a little about our experience at the hospital.

I was thinking about what I wanted to say on this blog and I realized that there might be readers who don't know very many details about our experiences with Sam while he was here. So, I'll write his life story (in a way). Then, so I don't get discouraged and give up because it is just taking too long, I'll do it in a few posts. So, here we go!

I think we had a wonderful experience at Logan Regional. When we were first told of Sam's diagnosis, we were told that I would have to deliver at the UofU with an unfamiliar doctor. I was always uneasy about that. At one of the appointments, after it was already decided that we weren't persuing surgery, I asked why we couldn't deliver in Logan. The doctors looked at me, then looked at eachother and shrugged their shoulders and said there shouldn't be a problem with that. So the plans were made. I told Doctor Strebel that I wanted to stay here. He re-arranged his hunting days and made it possible for me to get 9/9/09, and the next day I got a call from the Angel Watch team at the Logan Hospital. They met with us before Sam was born and made everything so easy. They made it possible for my mom to be in the room when Sam was born. They told me how to get in touch with all the people who did things like photos, hand and foot casts, and that cute bear.

They also helped solve all sorts of problems. A few days before the delivery, the hospital tried to bump me from 9/9/09 to 9/8/09. Who wants that for a birthday? I threw a little fit. I cried and told them that I didn't care that other women wanted that day too. They should be bumped...not me! They got to keep their babies and I didn't. The least I should have is the day...so they made it happen for me.

When we finally went in to deliver Sam, I had seen the faces of all those people before. They were familiar. They shed tears with me. They cared about us. They were the people who made a hard situation a little easier.
They walked me into the OR and we were all in great spirits. I remember having a little trepidation about having Sam and taking him from somewhere he was safe and exposing him to life...where his seconds were numbered. But I was also ready. I was excited to meet him.
The room was full of doctors and nurses, but they all cared about our family. There weren't many dry eyes when Sam took his first breaths. The feelings of peace and joy were very strong and Sam brought with him a very powerful witness of the love of our Father in Heaven.



I remember laying there and waiting to hear his cry. People were hurrying all around, doing their jobs. When he got going, his cry was loud and strong. I heard lots of "he looks just like Jake" and "he's so tiny" and "he's so big!" and "look at that hair!" I saw Mike hovering over him and I could feel the love eminating from him. Mike never gets too attached to our babies until he sees them. That's not really true about Sam because we spent so much time praying and worrying over him before he was born, but he truly gets attached the second he sees them.

Anyway, after an initial check to make sure things were as expected, they wrapped him up and Mike got to hold him. It was so hard to just lay there and not be able to be right in with the crowd seeing and holding my sweet baby. The few times they did try to hand him to me, he just started to scream again. Then that would set me to panicking that I couldn't comfort my own child. I had to be content to let Mike hold him near my bed and look over at him.

As far as newborn babies go, things were different from the start. Instead of sitting in recovery while the baby is sent off to get a bath and checked out, Sam never left my sight. They let me hold him as they wheeled me into my room.

Sam started to struggle with breathing about a half hour after he was born. I had felt the comfort and peace that I would have Sam "long enough" so I wondered why the nurses had such sorrow in their eyes each time they came into the room. They kept suggesting that we have our family come and give him a blessing. Then they would ask when we planned on letting Jake and Allie come. After their persistent suggestions of calling the photographer and getting things moving now rather than later, it finally sunk in that they were telling me that Sam was dying. I started to panic a little and question that comforting feeling that I had had all along. I started to question my faith. I had felt peace and I knew that I would have enough time. I wasn't ready yet. Why were they suggesting that our time was up? So I did give in to that panic and worry for a minute. I broke down and cried and felt sorry for myself. It was just for a minute though. We got things in motion to get him blessed and have the photographer come. I also took some time to pray and get composed. After my prayer, I was able to allow the feelings of peace to come back and start to just enjoy Sam again. When I think about it now, I realize that my Heavenly Father really does know me. At our last appointment at Primary's, the doctor told me that he would be surprised if we didn't have days and weeks with Sam. I clung to that. I was even imagining taking Sam on 4 wheeler rides and giving him tastes of ice cream. I had my heart set on lots of time. But that wasn't how it was supposed to be for Sam. And God knows me. I had to have that little scare in order to be okay with the amount of time we really did have. Before that, I would have scoffed at 4 days. But, because 4 days was longer than the few hours in the hospital, every minute after that day was a gift. By the time Sam really did have to go, I was ready. I was okay with that.

I think that is enough for today. I'll write about Sam's blessing and the pictures next time.