Last year on this day...

Thursday May 7, 2009

Well baby…we got to see you today. First of all, I wanted to say that you are a super cute little baby. You have that cute little round shaped head that the other two kids had in their ultrasound pictures. When we first peeked in at you your feet were way up by your ears. I can’t imagine being comfortable in that position, but that’s how you were.
We were still undecided on whether or not to find out if you were a girl or a boy when we went in there. We brought Allie and Jake and they were excited to see you. The ultrasound tech (Kathy) was super nice and she took a lot of time looking things over. I can’t believe how much you were moving around in there. She had to keep changing the position of things because you would wiggle away just as she was trying to get a picture of you. You seem to be growing right on track. Your head is a good size. Your tummy is a good size. Your legs are a good size. The only problem was that your heart doesn’t look too good. They couldn’t tell us much, but they did tell us that there is a problem. We have made an appointment to go in and see you in another ultrasound. This time they have a special machine that can see all the parts of your heart. That way we will know what the problem is and if it needs to be fixed. My heart is broken for you because no Mom wants their child to have any problems. I don’t want to have to see you in pain or suffer. It’s just not something I want for you. However, we feel really blessed that we know there is a problem. We know that next week we will know more, and now all we do is wait.
The ultrasound tech. asked if we wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl. At that point, the only thing on my mind was worry about you, so I asked if she would put it in an envelope and if we wanted to look later we could. Well, we went out to dinner with Allie and Jake and on the car ride home that envelope was calling my name. Dad said he didn’t mind if I peeked, so I tore into the envelope. We saw more little pictures and it said “It’s a boy! Congratulations!” I’m thrilled. I was pretty convinced that you were a girl so it was a shock, but it’s a great shock. Jake is really excited to have a brother and although Allie wanted a sister, she is excited too.
Anyway, I have cried enough tears to water a football field, but I am comforted that things will all work out in the long run. I feel most of the sorrow that you have to face any challenges at all and that I couldn’t start you out with the most perfect life. But there is nothing I can do to change things for you. You will have to be a strong little boy. I am counting on that. You need to be strong and you need to be okay. I love you fiercely. You need to be okay.

Thanks for the fun little peek into your world. I was amazed at your cute little body and I can hardly wait to hold you in my arms.

I love you!

Mom

Reading that entry broke my heart a little. The person I was changed that day. I remember thinking that modern technology could "fix" anything. I got online that night and all I knew about Sam's heart was that it was affecting the left side. I looked at all kinds of defects and when I came across HLHS I began to hyperventilate and I had to shut the computer right off. I felt a bit dramatic because we didn't have the facts yet, but I just knew that's what we would be facing. I wanted to tell my boy to be strong. I wanted to believe it would be a simple fix, but I knew deep down that things would be different.

As for ultrasounds in general, it's amazing how much my thoughts concerning ultrasounds have changed since Sam. I recently read someones blog and it said "next month we will be going in to see if our baby is a boy or a girl!" I don't think I will ever again be relaxed about anyone's 20 week ultrasound. I will never consider it a peek into baby's world to determine the gender of that baby. For everyone I know that is pregnant, that day looms for me as a day to find out if their world will be changed forever. It's amazing to me that anyone has healthy babies at all.
I know it's possible. I know that thousands of healthy babies are born every day. It's just that my world was rocked and I will never be the same. Before May 7th, 2009, it was always someone else who was facing heartache about a baby. It was always "my cousin's husband's niece's neighbor" who had a baby with a heart defect. Then it became me and I have a hard time trusting that there can ever be a "normal healthy pregnancy".
One of my little heart mom friends just got the great news of a 4 chamber heart at her 20 week ultrasound with her 3rd baby. I found myself worrying and thinking about her the whole weekend before her ultrasound. In reality, the odds would be insane that something would be wrong with another baby. But my new reality can't imagine how something could not be wrong.
My point? I guess it's just therapy. There isn't really a point to this post. I just wanted to write about how life changed for me last year on this day. I feel so blessed to be Sam's mom. I have grown, and the lessons I have learned in this one year are lessons that I never could have learned without him.
So, Sam...when I begged you in the letter to be a strong boy and told you that I already loved you fiercely, I really had no idea the power you held. Your spirit is indeed strong. You are helping our family in ways I never could have imagined. This life we now lead isn't ideal, but it's the life we live. I love it more because of you.