I was feeling guilty that I haven't posted on this blog in a long time. I think I was worried about what to say when his birthday came around, so I just didn't say anything. Then the other day I realized that it isn't fair to just not say anything. So I came to the blog to try to write. I found this unfinished post from a while back. I read through it and wondered why I never published it. I think it's because it ends abruptly and I wanted to come back and re-work things. I'm not going to worry about it now because I don't want to change things months later. So here it is...

I don't know if summer will ever be the same again. I have had Sam on my mind a lot this summer. We were right in the middle of figuring out what the next step in our lives would be last summer. That means that everything I did, I did it with Sam on my mind. I enjoyed hot days in the shade, watching the kids and thinking of the baby I carried. We went to parties and reunions, and amidst the fun, I was grieving for my baby.

Even silly traditions like listening to Harry Potter every summer now remind me of Sam. I remember worrying that my saddness would taint my enjoyment of Harry Potter, and I was so glad that it didn't. It made me happier. I am in the middle of the series now for this summer and I can't help but remember vividly some of the feelings I had as I listened last year.

Going out in the boat reminds me that last year, I went and smiled loving the idea that it was Sam's first boat ride.

I have tried to communicate my thoughts before and it just seems impossible, but I will try again. When you have a baby, each day brings new memories of that child. They learn and grow each day, and each day, you have more thoughts that fill your head about that child. The new memories start to make the older ones fade, until sometimes you can't even remember those older memories unless you look at a picture or read a journal entry. In my case, Jake was my first little babe, and the first child to consume my thoughts. When Allie came, she took her own little place in my thoughts and in my heart. I continue to find amazment in the fact that one heart can divide love so equally and in so many different ways.

Then came Sam. I don't have the new memories of watching him learn and grow from day to day, but there is still an equally big place for him in my heart as there is for Jake and Allie. So I think about him almost as often throughout the day as I think of Jake and Allie. The memories of him aren't as fresh as I would like, but I am reminded of my emotions. Especially this summer. We are passing and aproaching many year marking milestones. I fear the fresh grief that might come, but I also welcome the feelings because it reminds me that Sam is real. He is my boy. I loved him and I love him still.