Tragedy or Destiny

The day we found out about Sam’s heart, I was a changed person. I will never be the same. I feel like I have gone through the different stages of grief at different times over the last few months. One thing that I wanted to write about though, is that I have still not felt any anger toward God.
At our first ultrasound with Sam, the tech spent extra time on the heart and told us there was something she wanted someone else to get a better look at. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t something that would go away. Even though I hoped that the next ultrasound would find things absolutely “normal”, I knew that it wasn’t how it would be for us.
That night we called the Bishop over and Mike gave me a blessing. He didn’t say the words that I wanted to hear. He didn’t say that this baby would be fine and that he would live. He said that the Lord is in charge and this is all part of a plan. As he spoke those words, I knew it. I knew that it was not a mistake. I wanted Mike to bless this baby to be okay, but deep down, I knew that it wasn’t the plan for us.
The other day I was listening to Spencer W. Kimball’s talk Tragedy or Destiny. He started out by listing all these terrible things that happened to good people. He talks about how people asked why God would allow these things to happen. He says:

“Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is, Yes. The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if He will. But He will not.
We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering.”

I know that God can heal Sam’s heart. I know that He could take away this pain in my heart. But will He?
From the beginning, people have told us that they are so sorry that we are going through this trial. I agree that I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone, but at the same time, I can’t say that I would take this trial away. I might give Sam a less serious heart defect, but I wouldn’t take things away entirely.
I changed the day we found out about Sam’s heart. I am a better person already. I don’t want to give that up.
I can only see things with my mortal eyes. God knows everything. He has an eternal perspective and He knows that in the end, this experience will be for my good. He knows that in order for me to become the person I need to be, I need to go through this. So will God heal Sam’s heart? Probably not. But He can heal my heart. He can make me a stronger person. He already has.
How can I blame a loving Father in Heaven for helping me to be a better person? How can I question the actions of one who is omnipotent? How can I ask for this trial to be taken from me when I know that it is for the good of all of us?
As a parent, I hate to see my kids hurt. I hate to think of the things they will face over their lifetimes. I know that my Mom hates to see me hurt. But as parents, we know that sometimes our children have to hurt. Sometimes they have to suffer. They have to experience all these things in order to be strong.
So, the point of these ramblings is that I am grateful that I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that Sam is my sweet baby forever and that it is no accident that he is coming to our family with his special heart. He is here to teach us all and to make us stronger. He is here to help me grow closer to God. I am so grateful for that. I can’t go back to the person I was before May 6th, and I don’t want to.